Healing Through Harmony: Moving Through Grief with the Help of Music

Grief is not a problem to be solved—it is a process to be lived. For many people navigating the painful landscape of loss, music becomes a quiet companion, a refuge, and, surprisingly, a guide. From ancient laments to modern ballads, music gives voice to sorrow, and in doing so, helps carry us through it.

Contemporary author Susan Cain, in her book Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole (2022), explores how melancholy can be a source of connection, creativity, and healing. Her insights shed light on how music—particularly melancholic music—can support emotional health, especially in times of grief. Rather than avoiding sadness, Cain invites us to embrace it. And music, she argues, is one of the most powerful tools for doing just that.

The Phases of Grief and the Role of Music

Grief is often understood through the lens of stages or phases: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). While grief is highly individual and non-linear, these phases offer a map to the emotional terrain many people traverse after loss. Music can serve as a bridge through each of these emotional states, validating feelings, creating space for reflection, and offering hope.

Denial: Music as Gentle Companion

In the early stages of grief, numbness or disbelief often sets in. During this time, instrumental or ambient music can provide a comforting presence without demanding too much cognitive or emotional processing. Gentle piano pieces, soft guitar, or minimalist compositions help ground the body and calm the nervous system—offering a sense of safety in the midst of confusion.

Artists like Max Richter, Ólafur Arnalds, and Brian Eno provide sonic landscapes that allow a grieving heart to simply be—not to analyze or explain, but to rest.

Anger: Music as Catharsis

Anger in grief is frequently misunderstood and suppressed, but music offers a safe container for its release. Drumming, powerful vocals, or dynamic orchestral music can help externalize inner rage or frustration. Rather than bottling it up, grief-related anger can be moved through the body via music.

Genres like gospel, rock, or choral music with themes of injustice or longing can resonate here. Think of Beethoven’s “Symphony No. 5,” or even powerful protest songs—these expressions validate the energy of grief without judgment.

Bargaining: Music as Mirror of Longing

Bargaining often involves mental negotiations, “what if” scenarios, and a desire to undo the loss. This phase is full of yearning, and here is where Cain’s insights shine: melancholic music doesn’t deepen sorrow in a harmful way—it holds it. According to Cain, “melancholy is a kind of sweet sorrow, a yearning for something that we’ve lost, or never had, but which we still cherish” (Bittersweet, 2022).

Listening to melancholic music allows the listener to connect with universal themes of longing and love, reminding them they are not alone in their pain. Songs like Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings or Leonard Cohen’s Suzanne don’t try to fix the hurt—they honor it.

Depression: Music as Emotional Companion

In the depths of grief, when depression takes hold, it may seem counterintuitive to listen to sad music. But studies suggest otherwise. A 2014 study found that people who listened to sad music while feeling down often experienced a paradoxical uplift in mood (Saarikallio et al., 2014). The reason? Sad music can make people feel understood and less isolated.

Cain suggests that when we connect with beauty through sadness, we begin to feel whole again. Music validates emotional truth without requiring explanation. This is why a mournful cello solo or a plaintive folk ballad can bring unexpected peace. In the shadows of grief, music says, “I see you.”

Acceptance: Music as Meaning-Maker

Reaching acceptance is not about “getting over” loss. It is about integrating it into one’s life story. Music can help reframe memory, evoke love, and anchor rituals that bring healing. Many people create playlists, compose songs, or adopt pieces that remind them of their loved ones. These acts don’t reopen wounds; they celebrate enduring connections.

At this phase, music becomes an active agent of memory, gratitude, and continued relationship. In Cain’s words, “the pain of sorrow, when embraced, can connect us more deeply to one another and to the mystery of being alive.”

Practical Suggestions for Grieving with Music

• Create a Grief Playlist: Include music that speaks to each phase of grief. Let yourself move freely between moods as needed.

• Journal While Listening: Allow music to evoke images or memories. Write them down without editing.

• Make Music: Even simple acts—like humming, drumming, or strumming a single chord—can open emotional pathways.

• Join a Musical Group: Choirs or community music groups offer connection and structure, both of which are essential in grief.

• Attend Live Performances: The shared emotional experience of a concert can foster healing and solidarity.

Beauty from Brokenness

Music reminds us that sorrow is not the opposite of joy—it is often its companion. When we allow music to help us move through grief, we don’t just survive; we deepen our experience of life. As Susan Cain so beautifully articulates, there is a kind of bittersweet beauty in our brokenness. And music, with its capacity to hold complexity, may be the most healing language of all.

References

• Cain, S. (2022). Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole. Crown Publishing.

• Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Scribner.

• Saarikallio, S., Gold, C., & McFerran, K. (2014). Development and validation of the Healthy-Unhealthy Music Scale. Psychology of Music, 43(6), 789–805.

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